READ THIS FUCKING BRILLIANT BOOK.
(Will post a proper review when I can process my admiration)
TRIGGER WARNING FOR DISORDERED EATING
Today I was in town ahead of meeting a friend at the cinema (we saw Bridesmaids, it was a totally fun way to spend a couple of hours). I had an hour to kill and a book to read so I decided to go and get some coffee.
I ordered my usual choice: a small latte with skimmed milk. There are several reasons why I like this drink. 1) I’m a student and it’s cheaper to get the smaller size. 2) I have a not unfounded belief that skimmed milk makes the coffee taste stronger. 3) My disordered eating habits make cafes stressful and I’m much more comfortable ordering something healthy that makes me feel safe.
Anyway, the cashier laughed slightly and obviously looked me up and down. As she turned away she rolled her eyes. I can’t be sure what she was thinking, but I can guess she was judging me as someone diet-obsessed and slightly sad. She made no effort to hide that judgment.
She’s not wrong, I do have issues with food. As do a lot of people. She’s only lucky I wasn’t in a place where I might be seriously hurt by a negative reaction.
More than anything else, it irritated me. What I’m putting in my body is my business. What you see me eating may or may not reflect what I usually eat or how I usually behave. Even if it did, it’s none of anyone’s business.
What is wrong with a culture where you can be condemned as obsessive for eating healthily or greedy for indulging occasionally? Where the media almost encourages us to look around and police each other?
It’s no wonder that so many people have an uneasy relationship with food and their bodies. There’s such a tidal wave of things waiting to make you doubt yourself.
I gave my scales and measuring tape to my housemate to look after today. Still counting calories but I’m getting there.
Yesterday I told my Dad I’ve been having some relatively minor issues with eating; using it as a way to feel in control. On the phone he was kind but basically quite dismissive.
Today, he’s discussed it with my Mum and they’ve jointly decided that it’s a VERY SERIOUS problem.